The Prickling LIfe of waiting for my stuff to show up


to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

I am so excited today. I am not so sure if it is because today keeps revealing such powerful signs and I am seeing/feeling them, or that a big thorn that was prickling under my skin has now been pulled out.

I work a job that is intended to occupy only 20hours per week of my life. I’ve a story how I got this job once I take up the tread again on how I came to this moment in time, but that will have to wait for another day as today is just too much fun and my recent experience wants to fill this page!

Over the last 2.5 years because of my cooking skills I have seen my employers add me in on Wednesdays as more of a chef than a person (as was told when hired) who would set up a couple salads for the racers (Wed. is Beer Can Races, I work at a yacht club) and pass out frozen burgers that they themselves would cook and then leave the rest of breakdown and clean up to them. Now it has become an amazing meal with fresh cut steaks by me and an extensive fresh organic salad bar. The amount of work that goes into this prompted a discussion in year one. I got a nominal raise for every beer can race. I work a race (4x wed a month). Still I was working below the pay scale that I desired and so in year 2 they got me help so I could then prepare the food, set it out for the racers and leave… no clean up. That was better but still, still…

Using the work (LOA or Law of Attraction) concerns the way/the amount of time I focus my thinking on any given subject; in regards to Wedsnday Beer Can I had some work to do. My motto which comes direct from my teachers Abraham-Hicks I remember that nothing is more important than that I feel good. It took some doing to let go my previous experiences regarding the upcoming summer of Wednesdays. It seemed since I arrived at what I consider an almost perfect work environment, conducive to expanding my time as artist; these Wednesdays where like thorns in my otherwise satisfying experience, only to be ‘tolerated’ for 6 long months.
When the thoughts came regarding the upcoming Wednesdays and they did come, I would find a way to turn around the old info and create a new view. I would say ” you know Lina, you never know what may show up, this past year has been pretty incredible” and so I would turn away from my prikly incision and find a way to pull it out with a thought that gave me relief. I kept this up.

Without going into specifics I will tell you that on day one the opening day of beer can races, I was so surprised with the turn of events concerning my work and my finances (more money and better communication in work place) that I can share this with you; feeling good or finding relief, no matter what; is the key to getting my stuff. It is not about asking… I’ve done it! Many times in many ways. ASK AND IT IS GIVEN. More and more I see how the Universe grabs onto my asking and like a wonderful manager of my desires wants more than anything to deliver and has endless ways of doing so. All’s I need do is get out of the way and ALLOW/expect my life to continue to open up to me and give me exactly what feels wonderful!

I am leaning how to expect byway of feeling excited about my life. I close my eyes sometimes when the thoughts that want to rob me of my well being pop in and boy sometimes they like to show up and show up and…. I go to thinking about what I appreciate right NOW, you, this blog, my health, my friends, my smile, the way I cook for me, the time I take to have a nice cuppa in the morning and bask in my world. I begin to feel relief from those thoughts of woe because as soon as I start to think thoughts of relief, the Law of Attraction keeps sending me more of what I choose to focus on. I may have to do this several times before the feeling of Well Being dominates and then I feel/hear the freedom bell; freedom from fear of financial insecurity, free from feeling that ‘others’ don’t hear me nor understand me, free to feel and learn again and again that I need not direct, manipulate, cajole push against, and endorse conversations that are totally opposite of what I desire… ie: health, abundance, relationships. My understanding of this practice deepens as each experience reveals the nature of how life can and does WORK.

So here is fine image of a lilly pad in a mystical blue range of colors that sooth me and gives me a feeling that Right Where I am is just perfect

Now, what about that relationship??? tehehehehe

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In a Moments Notice


to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

Yesterday was writers class; we bond with our soulful vibes exposed nerves and we support each other best we can. However there are moments, split second thoughts that occur which for me feels like what I submitted to the class below. It helped to write it out but I must admit I was a bit off the rest of the day. Sleep cures so much for me…hehehe

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞ A Moments Notice ∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

I am reminded today as I began writing this piece on how lost I can get within seconds of thinking thoughts that don’t feel good.

I can almost hear a whimper in my heart and feel the shut down of my spirit. It is as if I’ve done this so many times past and now when those thoughts do come sporadic at best (thank god), I seem able to stand beside myself and watch as observer. Here I feel and see parts of me that are sea salt rusted going through the motions of taking in and allowing what is ‘out there’ personally and then;

Starting with step one…
Become quiet

Step two is to wait for step three… a gross effect of internal anger
at a simmer, showing up with old excuses that feel like
‘life is not fair and no one in my life shall ever know me ever!’ Or that “none shall love me the way I need to be loved’.

It feels like I am caving in from all this want.

Now… I take care of this situation with small parts of my lips finding the edges turning upward, (a smile appears ever so slight), I am looking at a small child struggling on the floor in my warm kitchen where I am baking cookies. This child wants very much the cookies just out of the oven but I’ve said “no, not yet” And so this child thinks I don’t care that I could not possibly understand it’s needs then heaving tears all so beguilingly self induced; attracting misery ripe followed by a wave that opens up that terrifying black hole below or around the solar plexus which seems to scream utter alone’ness’.

Oh but I do know these feelings, and like a child that runs out of what was once a moments need… One can distract the innocent heart with something else to focus on. The innards let go of mind chatter and story, focusing on a new feeling at hand. It is then I feel both of us finding relief. I feel the upturned lips smile while our hands connect. I feel a return to the pleasant fact that I am not without love, I am not abandoned nor forgotten. That moment is now past.

I’ve a bank account now, a savings stored up rich with a knowing of ‘well being’, I need not worry as the padding of my nature has thick skin made up with successful experiences that allowing has revealed.

I realize it is not others I need to allow for, but how I think others ‘should’ be.

I am a soother of my own childish nature. I love her when she stops crying and runs to my arms unafraid.

Linaji 2011

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Breakfast of Champions


to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

I walked out of the Doc’s office with a feeling of vibrancy and expectancy. I did not have many thoughts but that I felt great and taller, thinner and as my doc says at the end of each treatment;. “Ok Lina, you are one year younger!”… Ha! I smiled to myself and thought “I do believe I am!”.

As I descended the stairwell I felt to turn around and saw a UPS guy behind me. I felt compelled to speak and said, “you should see that Doctor”. He looked at me and said; “you know, I was going to ask you how you felt leaving his office but I stopped myself. “That’s ok my friend, your feelings spoke louder than words”. I laughed and continued speaking letting him know I was the poster child for his practice, we both laughed. I also let him know that before I walked into Dr. Lin’s office at the end of January this year, I was taking 4 to 8 Ibuprofen a day. Sleeping from 3p.m. to 6 a.m. the next morning. For those who are not familuar with this drug, it is a over the counter pain killer that relieves muscle aches and pains. People with swelling and other inflammatory issues may take this medication or others like it but in doing so it wreaks havoc on the liver; and for the likes of me allowing my liver to clean up this toxic drug was well… not very nice.

We parted ways and I acknowledged the feeling of my expanding nature. I was beginning to really feel the truth for me that I was/am above all aVibrational Being I did not feel amazed at this interaction more, I felt sure that this is the way my life was going.

I got into the Car and opened up the juice he gives to each of his patients at the end of each visit. I drank in the lush flavors of carrot, green leaf veggies and for sure celery, ummmm… I was indeed partaking “The Breakfast of Champions”

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At a Snails Pace…FYI


to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

I feel at times I’ve an impossible task of keeping up with all the new choices as of late and keeping the flow of what is already in place (my routine) flowing. Now that I write that… there is nothing routine about my life except work and my once a week visit and participation to the all women’s writing group I join in on Tuesday, yes today. (secret yippie!!)

For awhile now I’ve been wanting to share something important with you all and that is information and permission concerning the images I upload on this blog. They are all taken by me and or created by me. I’ve meant to tell you that if you care to copy and use these images in anyway you desire you have my full-on permission. Any image I post in this blog I share and gift to you. Oh wow does that feel good.

I’ve noticed so many younger people find it easy to share images and backgrounds and textures, all for free and I wanted to make it a point to try on that feeling. They see the wave of the future in sharing files and information freely. I like the way I feel when I post my images and know I’ve not a thing to worry about because I let go the fear of my work being ‘stolen’ or borrowed without my permission.

I like to say too over at my art site, I never focus on the fear of copyright infringement nor of having my work highjacked and used to others gain. I am making a living with my art and finding satisfaction in creating and selling my work. My view is feeling and manifesting support from my craft as a way to create sustained prosperity from all that I choose to sell. It is working. Yesterday I got news of the final decision to use one of my paintings (digital) as a book cover.

Here is the link to that information

All the proper channels were taken to obtain my image and I am so pleased. Infact you could say I am pretty darn happy. Dancing on clouds, feeling life dreams becoming ‘reality’.

So it is with great pleasure I share some of what I do here with you. Each image is uploaded with full resolution, a 300dpi and hope with all me heART if you find an image you like you take it and use for your enjoyment

Later today more of the blog will be posted, in the meantime… I am going to take some coffee in and let the day open up to me. I will close my eyes, visualize and feel how I desire the next ‘segment’ of my life to unfold. In my practice this is called pre-paving my world. I actually talk to myself (think) how I want this next part of my day to look and feel. Such powerful work. Yesterday I was at a meeting all day for my job. Beforehand I had closed my eyes, saw and felt how I would find ways to study and pass my test (I had failed once quite some time ago). I also thought how I would be interested in the class and discover new information that would assist me in doing a better job at work.

Each time I preform this practice I am given proof time and again how truly powerful pre-paving is. I felt good being at the meeting and I did find new information I had missed that would assist me in doing a better job in serving and preparing food. I felt good being there. Not one time did I say to anyone or myself that this was a waste of my time or that I was loosing a day by being there. (These were some of my thoughts that last time I showed up and failed). It was intense as I studied even through lunch. I was focusing on the information and felt a connection with the teacher, listening and soaking up all I could. I must say with all honesty that pre-paving was a necessary element in enjoying my day. It is like a super-duper intent mantra that gives a boost of clarity and control back to me; the participant of my own life!

I am finding that each time I take ‘time’ for me first, I catch up. It is as if slowing down to take a conscious assesment of how I want my life to work, I actually cut through the corners of ‘not knowing’ and doubt.
My moment of Snail is like the fable of the ‘tortoise and the hare’; in the long run I seem to get to where I want to be and along the way I see the ‘forest for the trees’ ok…hehehe I’ll stop for now.

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Childlike Expectancy

to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

Day after day I would open up my computer first thing. I could hardly wait to see who said what to me and I felt childlike and expectant. I felt petulant and afraid. I felt freedom arise and then I lapsed into clingy confusion.

A woman who is no longer in my circle of community on this art site took me in and showed me the ropes. She told me I was wonderful and she seemed to read my mind. She liked what I told her about her art and about herself. I do believe I had my first Redbubble crush with her. It did not take long however to feel her drifting away from me and letting me go. This was to be my first (heARTfelt) Bubble to burst. This was not to be the last, men were next! But through all of the pain I can tell you now; I have a circle of woman friends that continue to extend warmth and support in my life to this day. I communicate by phone and by mail. Some almost daily and some a bit beyond that. This has been one of the most amazing developments since I started my journey around art and community.

I was excelling in my use of the simple program on my Mac for photos and I was itching to do some of the amazing things I saw others do with a program called Photoshop. But Oh my goodness that price! I heard if you were a student you could get this program at a fraction of the price. I thought I would love to take a Photoshop class. I looked up classes in my local Junior College and found an extension class in my own town of Half Moon Bay. This meant I would not have commute and that meant I could stay close to home and not be gone for long. Ahhhh this felt so good. The class was Illustrator but I thought that a good start since the college sold the programs together as one application. Wow, I saw myself flying towards so many new possibilities. I saw my penchant for birthing ideas like a chicken laid eggs finally having an arena to shine in. What was happening to me?

What was happening to me was the feeling I was walking straight into my life…

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I’ve Been Gone; a conversation with my body

There is so much today,
Getting up with a body that cooperates
Deep breath , deep forgiveness

My Body:

We forgive you…

All those years
any excuse to be gone…

you found them.

darkness, like a blade of winter
severed your heart from knowing us
alignment seemed cockeyed and impossible

Cell upon cell of loneliness
Circulating mass of feelings gone awry
Gone missing by way of

-contrast that slanders trust,
-deep misgivings
_birthed on a sliding rock
_no moss, rolling down

it seemed there be no relief no funding for safety
no place you could call your own.

Outside seemed brighter
more un-feeling (ummm that felt so yummy, yes?)

Until those same feelings sent you warning signs

feelings told you
+this can’t last,
+you cannot forget your home,
+you cannot forget your first love
……..Ever… not ever

echos in wild desert storms
drifting down crevice spitting sand

we knew this
so we waited,

you see we have feelings too;
we felt a turning of our nature from you
we felt betrayed, slighted
and
muted-muted-muted…

MUTATION

(Could be a choice we thought)

we know what happened,
we know how long eternity can be
so we waited,
we never left you
dissention did occur
meetings were had

Signals were sent

Pain
Pain
Pain,

Come home Lina,
Come back to the shelter of love
Close your eyes,
Ahhhh do you feel our lightness?
Our tenacity for truth?
Our pleasure for giving you all you ever
Wanted?

And I say yes I do,

Thank you for waiting,

Thank you for loving me yet.

I am here by the fire of my heart
(I feel your warmth holding me dearly)
flames lick my toes and my smile
Curls up in appreciation.

Cell dancing like tango tears
molecules cut in and whirl me around
and around I go
till the tissue fissures take me to the fireside
again I am pumping with anticipation for
all that I’ve missed
all that I owe
all that I am

I feel whole.

Linaji 2011

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Growth Takes Place amidst The Old Parameters


to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

These days feel so different. Even when I was first experiencing a breakthrough in my depression I did not feel compelled to go outside. Today is a day full of walking weather and interesting work for myself. I have a job to complete that involves my photography and photoshop skills and I am confident as I proceed that my work will be perceived as profession and original.

Back then I began my rebirth and the first step I took was more rather a crawl. I began crawling towards a day like today. What I remember most is amidst all that had happened all that befell me, a feeling of joy and hope emerged and I felt GOOD! I became aware once again of the prime directive as I had learned it in my teachings on the Law of Attraction, (LOA) that there was nothing more important in life than that I feel good.

In my blog recently I got a message from a dear friend who related her feelings about the Law of Attraction, she said she could not get around how it seemed that all’s she ever heard in relation to these teachings was how one could become very rich, and have all they ever wanted. “Have to be honest Linaji, the Law of Attraction as it has been shown to me has never felt right to me; mostly focused on how to gain material things ie: huge houses, big cars, best payed jobs.”
First off I want all those things she mentioned, I want bunches of money so I can travel with my art and my camera, so I can be the change I want to see in the world. I’ve plans for my money and it does not involve lots of houses, however I don’t begrudge anyone who wants that.

I too started out with this work (LOA) thinking that I would get out of this mess I was slipping into via financial insecurity and also thought I would find out who I really was in the world, that I was not doomed to be a worker in the hospitality industry for the rest of my life. I wanted answers on how I was feeling about me which wasn’t all that good as the recent developments of depression seemed to support that belief.

What I came to embrace and understand through these teachings was so much more than I ever dreamed of getting. Even with all the physical ailments that were about to manifest directly into my daily life of ‘What Is’ and with what little I understood back in those days about this practice, I soldiered through. I felt I carried a banner across my heart that would remind me constantly; nothing was more important than that I feel good, nothing..
And with this simple thought which came from a simple question I had been asked early on in this practice, I felt at ease most of the time and never fell back into that black hole of depression that had consumed me for months.

The Question that racked my brain every-time was: What do you think Linaji, when you have/attain the cars, houses, money, travel, boyfriend, husband, education, job, lime liight, and HEALTH… what do you think you will have when you get them?”… “You think you will feel GOOD… BETTER, WONDERFUL in the having of them.”

We think that in the having of these things we can go from where we are right now to some new place that will serve to give us what we want, to feel better. Our belief says “when I get these things, then I will feel good”. Nothing wrong in a strong desire for feeling better. But to go about it from the ‘outside’ in has been unsuccessful for me. When I got to the thing I thought would make me feel better, along came that dominate belief that this too was not enough. It happened in most if not all of my relationships. I would think that I was missing a partner, a lover, a person in my life who would help make my life better and when I got that special relationship, this too was never enough.

What became more clear to me, especially when I started to feel ill is that in order to gain the health I desired I was required to find a way out of my daily thinking patterns that reinforced my illness. I became aware of my conversations with others and how I was talking to myself. When speaking to friends I began to lighten up on conversations that focused on illness. In my art community I would write poems and articles on feeling good and purposely feel the joy in the writing of them. I would revel in the moments that felt terrific. I became more fluid and gentle in my ‘self talk’ and thought/acted ‘as if’ all was well. This took some doing, but I was persistent.

I also began to look deeply into the concept that there was ‘no death’. This became a passion with me because frankly a big part of me still felt that I was not much long for this world. Oh my goodness, how we find ways to hold onto fear that we are powerless over our lives. However, day by day and week by week, month after month there was persistence in my nature. I felt there was a determined spirit that called me forth towards my desired state of living; I wanted health above all else and well being, I wanted to Feel Good.

Listening and reading up on this concept and many others presented to me through my deep studies, brought me many more new ways of letting go this old way of living. New ways of letting go! I could be so stuck in my old parameters. I came to find that being in touch with how I was feeling was the only way I could begin to feel better. I started to really ‘get’ that there is only two ways of feeling, either I felt good or I didn’t. When I was not feeling good, I would ask myself what I was thinking. Doing this enough times there came clarity as to how I was feeling was directly linked to what I was thinking. What a revelation! Relief was just one thought away!

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