My last post was talking about my dis ease by way of what the symptoms where and how my Miracle Doc was addressing them with his knowledge and his expertise.
I’ve most done as suggested; givin up red meat and most all meat but sometimes I will have a bite of chicken or fish or small serving of them. Most of the week I drink his veggie juice and lately I am a bit hooked on Cheese and bread. Now this is not what he wants me to have. I know each time I drink this powerful vegetable drink fresh and has not been pasteurized, I feel movement in bowel and in my whole body saying yes yes yes…
So here I am a ‘bad girl’ … not doing everything he has asked of me. I still have not given up my one cup of coffee a day with my soy milk nor have I embraced his seaweed soup in the afternoon nor his sweet potato and avocado in the morning and afternoon.
To tell you the truth I do not know why I do not. (more later)
All kinds of things emotionally happened these last few weeks since my last post.
I went to an art show (my first) that was in terms of money and exposure (less than 100pp showed up), unsuccessful. It brought up my core ‘issues’ of I am not enough ‘ness’, I don’t like art shows because I did not sell (quitter quitter), Now comes up this strong feeling of: WHO THE FARGE AM I?
Oh my goodness friends I was tossed in the ocean of self pity (my own doing yes) and managed to hole up in bed as much as I could with my Hulu Television channel dialed in, as I only watch t.v. through my lap top. I was completely aware of my trigger thinking and the complete cycle of this ‘down time’ lasted perhaps 2 weeks. Howerver the fact is I did not stay in bed all day/night and went to my nieces graduation… Oh my what a thrill that was.
Here is a composite of shots I took while visiting her in Seattle Washington:
I can truly say this was not a place that was unworkable. Infact I went out and did what I needed to do. I came home to a complete mess at work but did not get angry and the thing that finally got me off and running to the place where I am today (in amazement) was this…
I kicked my own ass. heheheh
Now this was a picture I wish someone had taken to give you an idea of how far I flew.
I will try and give you a description that you can see in minds eye.
I think I was on the verge of being ready to let go my anger, resentment, my past, and most of all feeling dang uncomfortable. On this day I woke up from a pretty sound nights sleep and had been back from the trip to see niece graduate almost 2 days. I sat up and put my feet on the ground. I felt off a bit as I had found out the death of my friends husband had happened by way of an email I had just read. Next I wished it had been me. You see I go to this place of of ‘death wish’ as if it were just a part of my cycle of working though this stuff here in time/space reality, all my life I think I had an inkling that death is not death but a release of ‘pushing against, a release of all RESISTENCE’… We need not go into the ‘my truth or yours’ on this subject but the point is my resistance to well being was what was taking it’s toll on my happiness. My thoughts, my shutting down, all things I have used in the past to ‘not allow’ for my happiness and ease. Habit more than anything else this thought of death.
I got up and was not thinking much more on the ‘death’ thing but I did feel for my friend who was I knew feeling much loss. I got out the door going to work and perhaps I was shuffling down the walkway like some mental patient I don’t know, but I was ill dressed and certainly not at my best in ‘being in the moment’!
Then it happened, I almost heard the moment that I hit the ledge of the uneven pavement and went literally flying forward and there was nothing I could do! I did have time to think ( i think hehe) to turn just a tad so my face did not get slammed. My hip, hand and shoulder did and as I hit the pavement before me, I began to laugh! That’s right, none around me and if there was I am sure they would have taken me to the mental hospital. It was a belly laugh a delicious spontaneous laugh that reverberated all throughout my body. I turned over on my back and felt for a moment paralyzed to get up, I did not worry, the wind had been knocked outta me and there I was thinking, “Oh my Lina, you are so damn powerful, see where your thinking has gotten you today? I closed my eyes and said to my hip, hand and shoulder. “Ok guys, I get it, thank you for being part of my awakening. Now lets mend right now and not make a big deal of this because I truly do get it” … I went to each area and petted them with my soul. I kid you not, I do this now, I pet myself sometimes physically sometimes with my ‘soul’ and then I sat up. Again none where around me and I got up. I felt relief at last, like that perverbial ‘weight’ had been lifted right off me. I was smiling and so very glad none were around me. This was my own private moment of awakening and I thought too how glad this binge of uncomfortable thinking manifested in a way that would not hurt me l was sure.
I was again coming to a joyful feeling of AWARENESS AND ACCEPTANCE… HERE I AM, HERE I AM RIGHT NOW, PROTECTED AND LOVED
Today is my writing class. I’ve been to the doc and I said see my bruise on my hip I got last week. He said Lina there is nothing there. Wow, let me say that bruises used to last for weeks….
I have had stream of consciousness thinking in the last few days. Thoughts that involve a feeling of something is just around the corner it is a powerful feeling and the thinking is vast and I am just unable to go back and rethink this kind of thinking.. however the feeling remains. A powerful feeling of accomplishment and future wonder come to manifest and show up just at the right time. I feel sure footed and full of frisk.
This beloved last two weeks of contrast just added to my pot of desires, expanded my own sense of ‘Self’… for I am really beginning to embrace the contrast as I would embrace the times like now when I feel ‘on the verge’… This life here is awesome to experience. I could not say this last week but I can today, and with full on powerful joy I can say this. “So here I am today… Here I am now… still asking and yet knowing I shall receive” because I feel like I already have Received.
Who Am I, my purpose
LIfe Abilities revealed more and more
Health and Well Being, Regeneration of all my bodies functions…
you see out of all the contrast I did some BIG ASKING… and I know with this work in the LOA (law of attraction) that I’ve done my part and asked,
Now I also have done my part and allowed the FEELING OF EXPECTATION To be present.
So I tell you true, it is as if the answers have already come to me in ‘feelings’ (most important) as well in mental constructs (just my own musings on how things work in the universe because I so love to think) (less important but FUN)…
I am a bit of a drama Queen, so perhaps my bent of nature will always have some ass kickin involved. However next time… I want a week of feeling bad taken off… One is enough!!
It has been one hella Ride. heheheh