Yesterday was writers class; we bond with our soulful vibes exposed nerves and we support each other best we can. However there are moments, split second thoughts that occur which for me feels like what I submitted to the class below. It helped to write it out but I must admit I was a bit off the rest of the day. Sleep cures so much for me…hehehe
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞ A Moments Notice ∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
I am reminded today as I began writing this piece on how lost I can get within seconds of thinking thoughts that don’t feel good.
I can almost hear a whimper in my heart and feel the shut down of my spirit. It is as if I’ve done this so many times past and now when those thoughts do come sporadic at best (thank god), I seem able to stand beside myself and watch as observer. Here I feel and see parts of me that are sea salt rusted going through the motions of taking in and allowing what is ‘out there’ personally and then;
Starting with step one…
Step two is to wait for step three… a gross effect of internal anger
at a simmer, showing up with old excuses that feel like
‘life is not fair and no one in my life shall ever know me ever!’ Or that “none shall love me the way I need to be loved’.
It feels like I am caving in from all this want.
Now… I take care of this situation with small parts of my lips finding the edges turning upward, (a smile appears ever so slight), I am looking at a small child struggling on the floor in my warm kitchen where I am baking cookies. This child wants very much the cookies just out of the oven but I’ve said “no, not yet” And so this child thinks I don’t care that I could not possibly understand it’s needs then heaving tears all so beguilingly self induced; attracting misery ripe followed by a wave that opens up that terrifying black hole below or around the solar plexus which seems to scream utter alone’ness’.
Oh but I do know these feelings, and like a child that runs out of what was once a moments need… One can distract the innocent heart with something else to focus on. The innards let go of mind chatter and story, focusing on a new feeling at hand. It is then I feel both of us finding relief. I feel the upturned lips smile while our hands connect. I feel a return to the pleasant fact that I am not without love, I am not abandoned nor forgotten. That moment is now past.
I’ve a bank account now, a savings stored up rich with a knowing of ‘well being’, I need not worry as the padding of my nature has thick skin made up with successful experiences that allowing has revealed.
I realize it is not others I need to allow for, but how I think others ‘should’ be.
I am a soother of my own childish nature. I love her when she stops crying and runs to my arms unafraid.