These days feel so different. Even when I was first experiencing a breakthrough in my depression I did not feel compelled to go outside. Today is a day full of walking weather and interesting work for myself. I have a job to complete that involves my photography and photoshop skills and I am confident as I proceed that my work will be perceived as profession and original.
Back then I began my rebirth and the first step I took was more rather a crawl. I began crawling towards a day like today. What I remember most is amidst all that had happened all that befell me, a feeling of joy and hope emerged and I felt GOOD! I became aware once again of the prime directive as I had learned it in my teachings on the Law of Attraction, (LOA) that there was nothing more important in life than that I feel good.
In my blog recently I got a message from a dear friend who related her feelings about the Law of Attraction, she said she could not get around how it seemed that all’s she ever heard in relation to these teachings was how one could become very rich, and have all they ever wanted. “Have to be honest Linaji, the Law of Attraction as it has been shown to me has never felt right to me; mostly focused on how to gain material things ie: huge houses, big cars, best payed jobs.”
First off I want all those things she mentioned, I want bunches of money so I can travel with my art and my camera, so I can be the change I want to see in the world. I’ve plans for my money and it does not involve lots of houses, however I don’t begrudge anyone who wants that.
I too started out with this work (LOA) thinking that I would get out of this mess I was slipping into via financial insecurity and also thought I would find out who I really was in the world, that I was not doomed to be a worker in the hospitality industry for the rest of my life. I wanted answers on how I was feeling about me which wasn’t all that good as the recent developments of depression seemed to support that belief.
What I came to embrace and understand through these teachings was so much more than I ever dreamed of getting. Even with all the physical ailments that were about to manifest directly into my daily life of ‘What Is’ and with what little I understood back in those days about this practice, I soldiered through. I felt I carried a banner across my heart that would remind me constantly; nothing was more important than that I feel good, nothing..
And with this simple thought which came from a simple question I had been asked early on in this practice, I felt at ease most of the time and never fell back into that black hole of depression that had consumed me for months.
The Question that racked my brain every-time was: What do you think Linaji, when you have/attain the cars, houses, money, travel, boyfriend, husband, education, job, lime liight, and HEALTH… what do you think you will have when you get them?”… “You think you will feel GOOD… BETTER, WONDERFUL in the having of them.”
We think that in the having of these things we can go from where we are right now to some new place that will serve to give us what we want, to feel better. Our belief says “when I get these things, then I will feel good”. Nothing wrong in a strong desire for feeling better. But to go about it from the ‘outside’ in has been unsuccessful for me. When I got to the thing I thought would make me feel better, along came that dominate belief that this too was not enough. It happened in most if not all of my relationships. I would think that I was missing a partner, a lover, a person in my life who would help make my life better and when I got that special relationship, this too was never enough.
What became more clear to me, especially when I started to feel ill is that in order to gain the health I desired I was required to find a way out of my daily thinking patterns that reinforced my illness. I became aware of my conversations with others and how I was talking to myself. When speaking to friends I began to lighten up on conversations that focused on illness. In my art community I would write poems and articles on feeling good and purposely feel the joy in the writing of them. I would revel in the moments that felt terrific. I became more fluid and gentle in my ‘self talk’ and thought/acted ‘as if’ all was well. This took some doing, but I was persistent.
I also began to look deeply into the concept that there was ‘no death’. This became a passion with me because frankly a big part of me still felt that I was not much long for this world. Oh my goodness, how we find ways to hold onto fear that we are powerless over our lives. However, day by day and week by week, month after month there was persistence in my nature. I felt there was a determined spirit that called me forth towards my desired state of living; I wanted health above all else and well being, I wanted to Feel Good.
Listening and reading up on this concept and many others presented to me through my deep studies, brought me many more new ways of letting go this old way of living. New ways of letting go! I could be so stuck in my old parameters. I came to find that being in touch with how I was feeling was the only way I could begin to feel better. I started to really ‘get’ that there is only two ways of feeling, either I felt good or I didn’t. When I was not feeling good, I would ask myself what I was thinking. Doing this enough times there came clarity as to how I was feeling was directly linked to what I was thinking. What a revelation! Relief was just one thought away!