The Bell Ringing of Love

start reading this blog from the beginning January 19th 2011

Each day seemed more hopeless than the last. However there was one minute in my day, right when I woke up that got me going. For some reason I remembered a practice I had read about when experiencing my new found understanding of the LOA. In the morning right as I opened my eyes I would smile and think “today could very well be the day that I find myself”. I would feel as if I had a warm blanket of love wrapped around me and that ‘all was well’ I smiled and felt so good. Then, I would get out of bed avoid the shower, go sit on the couch and watch T.V. all day zoning out life and hope.

I was running out of time as my credit cards would all but be maxed out soon and I needed to work. I knew I had to get ‘out’ there and find a way to generate money so I could continue living here in this gated community of Half Moon Bay, but I just could not do it. I could not conjure any feelings toward going out the door. I wanted to die! I had never abused credit in my life, infact I always prided myself on never being late with a payment… ever. I was in deep denial and believed I could pay them back and that I could see my way out of this mess.

Just as much as my whole day was packed with what I did not want, In the morning without fail I continued to practice my smile and hope that TODAY, COULD BE THE DAY…. that I find myself. I liken it to feeling slathered with warmth and love. This never lasted for more than 2 minuets I am sure. However the real feelings of kindness and joy I got from those two minuets were intense; and I believe this powerful work is what got me to the morning that the Bell of Love rang ever so slightly and I indeed listened.

About linaji

I am having a good time with life now that I pay attention to how I feel. If I don't feel so good I look to what I am thinking and from there I change everything.
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5 Responses to The Bell Ringing of Love

  1. Maureen says:

    The moment that I realized there was no sleep deep enough, no love affair consuming enough, no food filling enough to cover the pain adequately, was the day I realized that the pain was not the heart of me, although it did try to make me its friend. Lina, the courage you show, your striving for not more but enough, your gentle spirit, your Hope, shines through every word. Today you have given me a gift. A gift of reminder.
    ” For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
    Thank you, my friend, for your trust and the courage to share.

    • linaji says:

      Dearest Maureen,
      It is only now I see your comment and my reply is all the goosebumps of your love you have shared here with me. I got those tear ducts working like soft rain on my skin and I feel so much appreciation for my connection to you.
      Your gift comes back to me with a showing of our Gods deep love for us. Thank you so much. xox

  2. Lisa says:

    wow Darling,
    I needed to read this right now, the denial you refer to and the put off of things, this I understand so well. The bell you refer to, it does start off as a soft ring but I have faith it is going to ring very loudly 🙂

    powerful writing,
    love you heaps

    • linaji says:

      awwww you backwards love of my life. I know you have the gist of my story so with YOU .. and only YOU.. I am not worried how you read it. Yes this gal went into big time denial even with all the ‘good work’ I incorperate..
      Fargen lovely beasts of a human being we are but the thing is … we will always be reminded, be it bell or a stab in our lonely heart, that we can create our lives to SERVE US .. and our needs… more to follow… How much I love thee.
      Thank you so much.

  3. liesbeth says:

    For me, pain has been my enemy from the moment we lost our brother, we (my whole family) would find ourselves going through many experiences of deep pain ( i sometimes wondered if we were the ‘life’version of Sisters.. ) but i had found a way to stack them all behind a door not really looking at it.. simply out of fear that by doing so i would lose it all..lose myself..
    But then ofcourse would come the moment i could no longer close that door and all the piles of sadness ,hurt and hate covered me and made me feel like i was drowning.. and yes it did feel like i was losing myself.. what we don’t know is that it is this ‘drowning’ that we need to survive. lucky for me i got help when i asked for it , didn’t make the pain less but brought me to the right people who would listen and help me to move along step by step. Words like yours help in moments like this..makes you realise you are not the only one and that your not a failure,, so you will certainly make a difference for someone Lina..

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