to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011
It has been less than a month since I’ve posted and I see this circle of experience took almost one month and a half.
I want to be clear what I write is a blog that captures this journey in chunks. I don’t write a daily hurt blog or confusion blog or let you know where I am emotionally blog until the cycle of experience has made full circle and I am back to feeling fulfilled, vital and buoyant. I do this because what I want is to feel good and if I am focusing on what does not ‘feel good’ I pinch off my opportunity to get to where I want to be.
I do my best to focus on what I want even if it seems what I don’t want is winning. ‘What Is’: Disease, lack of, should have, they have, I don’t and I am not, I never will be, you’re fault, you should, they should, they shouldn’t, broke, (under lack)… you get me?
Whenever I am stuck in a perspective that does not serve me I zip it on the blog because I hold myself back from playing out this experience moving toward the place I want to be; content, fulfilled, mindful, allowing, joyful, meditative, prosperous, satisfied, knowing, connected, passionate, FULL OF APPRECIATION!
When I focus on ‘what is’ and the ‘what is’ is not what I desire, I normally clam up in my bedroom cave. I don’t participate much in my own life, art feels lackluster, friends feel bothersome, my art community becomes a hassle and making phone calls almost feels painful. I do the minimal at work and practice fake it till you make it with out believing I ever will. I don’t want to be like this and I feel stuck and out of sorts. So I shut.
Kinda like mum used to say: “Let’s not say anything unless we have something nice to say”. And so I truly know if I get to going about ‘poor me’ on a subject matter I think is causing all this ‘dis’ comfort; I shall fill a few earfuls with all my analyzing the why and wherefore, I shall tell you this comes from the time I was abandoned or in 2nd grade when I felt belittled for never being picked but last for kickball (true story teehehehe) Oh don’t think I didn’t talk a little of this stuff here and there I did, but when I found myself doing it I backed out of the conversation and returned to the cave with the utmost desire for my well being to return.
I could tell you at this point the ‘reason’ I caved, but really it boils down to not enough ‘ness’ in any of the categories . It’s the pushing against people, places and governments! ha!… Of course all my stuff that pops up and reoccurs like a bad movie, (most recently ‘bad teacher’ omg yikes what happened Cameron Diaz?) comes from my ‘history’ my ‘past’, however through this work in the law of attraction I’ve even seen my history change. I shall save that subject for another day.
I remember a story in the teachings of Abraham I like very much. Ester who is the person accessing her eternal nature she calls (her collective consciousness) Abraham, told the group I was sitting in that the reason she no longer has many of those extreme highs in understanding nor epiphany’s and enlightened moments that felt so utterly thrilling was like the time she desired and received her Monster Bus back in the day when they were first able to to buy one. You know the busse’s the Rock Stars drive? She had dreamed and felt this bus into being and had such delightful anticipation when they first got the bus. She remembered how fear and delight were a heady mix as she got behind the wheel and started it up. She felt thrilled and was at the same time gingerly wondering if she could actually drive this thing all over the country and not get her and Jerry in some deep do do. Well months later she never thought twice of taking a turn that in the beginning was something she was so completely focused on, she just drove that bus as if it were a part of her. She always felt good as the miles flew by and then one day a question from someone in the audience brought up the fact that he missed feeling this high about the information on this law of attraction. He missed the huge demonstrations of his own well being. And so Abraham told this story and I too am telling you because this is what is happening to me; For many years I have been falling and by some miracle have gotten up and shared my success. I just shared a story here in my blog recently of falling on my ass and getting up and feeling such wonder, bliss and deep understanding. The degree of what I thought I had come to understand was profound to me.
This last experience has proved a bit different in finding myself back in the saddle. I was at a stop light and became aware of how I was feeling. I felt good, I thought back and realized I had been feeling good for several days now. I smiled and realized that there was no big band welcoming me back to me. I laughed as I had just listened to the story of the bus on one of my Abraham CD’s and began to understand what that story meant to me. All that was a seeming struggle in the last month and a half was totally gone. I felt that what was behind me was behind me and ‘that was that’. I thought about you, my friends here at this blog and what was I going to say?
I knew then that I was always connected to me. Being in the ‘vortex’ as Abraham puts it is not such an effort as I thought it was. Well, I did work this last month or so at allowing all this stuff to accumulate and dissolve, without too much worry. I said little to others about what seemed ‘wrong or disturbing’. I was not hiding anything, I was transforming my world at large in the only way I knew how, to continue to find a thought that felt better than the one I was thinking or just turn my attention to something else and for me I dove into my movie cave or dreaming away the day in sleep.
I have to say I never doubted I would come around again, I ‘knew’ I would and part of what I would say to me in finding a better feeling thought was: Lina, you been here and you been though this stuff, don’t worry you will come round.” Looking back I feel like I had really never been very far at all from this part of me that is so dominant, the 99.99999999 part of me that listens to my desires and then becomes all that I desire. That part of me that will never let me down and beckons me to join in and become too what I have asked for. That me that is the essence of thought even before thought is thought. Teehhehehe ok… I’ll stop here.
As I write you I admit I am a bit thrilled; seems like tears are coming too. Tears feel like love as is writing you, from all that is my heart.